I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
