Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Threesome in a minivan. New low
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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