I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
