I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
