i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
