I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
