made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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