...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Randomize