Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
