Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...