she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
