I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
