3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
