Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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