Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
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He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
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Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize