not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
