My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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