I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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