I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
