also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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