I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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