im drinking this country out of the recession.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
