Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
