Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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