Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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