Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
are you so shy because you have an std?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
