Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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