It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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