tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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