you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
