tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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