my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
