I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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