She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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