I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
