i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
