I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
