fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
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the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
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I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize