look no pants
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
