trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
