Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
