I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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