WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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