just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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