just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just invented taco cereal.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
