Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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