Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
