I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
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My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
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I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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