I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
