were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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