Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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