Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
