i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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