This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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