I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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