Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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